Nosy Nancy Never Wins

So the other day I filled out an internal application for a promotion and I was nervous about talking to my manager, getting it signed and what not so I left it in my drawer over night so that conversation could be a bright and early type deal.  I went home and basked in the opportunity, blogged about it, blogged about it, brooded over it dreamed a bit and woke up the next day for work.

When I got to work I pulled my application out of my drawer, one that I indeed share but expect that my stuff will go untouched. It didn't, not ten minutes after I sit down in the second station which is usually occupied by the teller I was filling in for and this nosy teller starts asking about my paperwork. So I tell her but I'm a bit vague, then she runs over and starts reading the passages that she particularly likes.

Let's be honest, I'm going to be arrogant for a second, I'm a pretty good writer. I'm versed in schmooze and have a varied, yet delightfully flamboyant, vocabulary. So yeah my application was kick ass. I was flying high and it was for HR use only.

I say this as a person who reads everything I can see, if you see something you shouldn't zip the lip, put a lid on it, take it home, write it in your pink diary with the lock, do not discuss it at work or with the person it pertains to.

I know, she was worried about my HR visit, I was too, but her worry had her freaking to the point where she figured she'd get sacked and while part of me would like the relief of not having to deal, I'm not going to the be tattler who gets my co-worker canned. Mostly because "it's a tough time economically" and even the old folks need jobs to keep a roof over their head.

So here's the deal lady: keep your nose out of my business and I'll keep the roof over your head.

There Are Two Red Cadillacs in the Parking Lot

I've run into many a strange thing in my years of customer service but lately I have been pleasantly surprised by people's ability to surprise me with more strangeness.

Since I am now working at a bank I have to deal with some sensitive info, like I did when I worked at the doctors' office (good times) an one would think that because of my access to said info I would be treated with a smidgen of respect. And I'll tell you know most people are nice and polite. Thats one of those things, one person stands out when their not, ruining everyone's reputation in the process.

Anyhow, the other night I was working the drive-up after hours and a woman sent me a slew of rebate cards. I was puzzled and told her that I wouldn't be able to process them and she should come back when the lobby was open and someone more knowledgeable could help her. And in response I got:

Mary said you could do it.

And I replied that I'm sure there was a way but in the drive-up after hours I could not. She said:

Then get Mary to do it.

And as pleasantly as I might I informed her that Mary doesn't work in my bank. To which she said:

There are two red Cadillacs in the parking lot. One of them can help me.

And I should have said, "Oh, you like those? They're mine." or "I bet the dentist would be most excellent at depositing rebate cards into you're joint checking account." But instead I was all apologetic. Funnily enough two days later the same woman showed up in the lobby and insisted that Mary help her. Mary was called and indeed there was a way to do what she wanted but the manager, assistant manager, Mary and some others were needed to put their brains together and figure it out.

I also had a man talk to softly at me through a window and when I asked him to repeat himself he was all like "mamemant or Lincoln" and I was like "I'm sorry?" and he was like "mahenaahdnn, he was the 17th president of the United States!" and I was like, "You mean Andrew Johnson? Why didn't you say so?" How good am I?

I hope that my cheeky retorts come to me faster so that I don't have to shame myself by apologizing for something I couldn't do one way or the other. Also thank you US history for helping me with that one. I never though you'd be so good to me!

Gym Talk

Yesterday, being that it was a day of the week, I spent a bit of time at the gym. And seeing as I have become a major space cadet I left my iPod attached to my mother's computer pretending to charge.  The music was barely toreralbe so I took to listening to people's conversations when I couldn't stay focused on the Sex in the City marathon happening on the cardio equipment tubes.

Now this is not a funny story I'm about to tell you. Funny would be nice and all but eavesdropping on the after-work-workouters is an eye opening.

I was on a bike wondering if my feet would ever regain feeling when I over heard a couple. Their converstaion went like this:

Woman: Olga (names have been changed to protect the individuals privacy and I cannot remember said names) was like "We're having a baby boy!" and she put the ultrasound picture on facebook.

Man: I did that with my colonoscopy. I was like look at my polyp, isn't it cute?

Woman: And my ex commented. Did you see?

Man: Your friends have an opinion on how I feel about you.

Woman: You should see, he commented on Olga's baby picture. Fucking bastard.

So this couple, who I've seen several times, and are in fact a couple, are in what I estimate to be in their mid to late forties. The woman is German. The man America. Both of them childless. Both of them bitter.

Last time I checked sono pics of the unborn spawn are an appropriate (for this day and age) way to share your excitement over the developing fetus with family, friends and who ever else happens to be your friend on facebook.

Comparing a sono of a baby to a scope taken through the behind of a middle aged man is inappropriate. First of all, I'm within ear shot. Second of all, sorry about your impending bum cancer but it isn't helping your stressed and depressed girlfriends biological clock so shut it the fuck down and take it home where she can be a crazed menopausal lady wanting babies without you comparing this need to having your tush scoped.

I have a bit of social anxiety. Mostly I don't like people I don't know being overly sharey with their biological issues (I also don't like people talking to me when I am in some state of undress so when I'm changing as discreetly as possible in the locker room do not make eye contact with me or try to start a converstaion.) There is a time and a place to have your middle aged (and/or quarter life) melt downs, the gym at its busiest point is not one of those times.

I got off the bike before I could feel my feet. I was a bit put off by how unguarded these people were. Everyone else I eavesdropped on was normalish, you know the "how's Bob, you guys should have dinner with us some time soon!" A bit of cheery chatter and the hilarious "slut" after the enthusiastic inviter walks away. There was tons of man talk. I don't always understand what gyms do to men because I can't understand most of what they say while working out. There were the workout buddies chatting mindlessly so they didn't have to pay attention to what they were actually doing, because some days running on a treadmill in public hurts enough, you don't need to focus on it.

So what I'm getting at is... don't say too much in public places. The gym is not your living room. There are no sound barriers that keep me and everyone else from hearing you.

Etiquette of a One Lane Bridge

I understand that there are many fancy things to learn when you drive in new places (those round-a-bouts that keep popping up might seem easy until its too dark and you go one arm off the circle too far), and I know it is unfair to be critical of those people who are confused by new and unusual traffic patterns, especially if you have been driving it since before you drove and they're lost and confused.

Not all of those people out there driving on the same roads as me are lost, confused, or new to one lane bridges, heck, I'd even venture to say that the lost/confused/new people are more careful about the whole one lane bridge thing than most people who drive them everyday. If you ever find yourself at a one lane bridge please take a deep breath and follow the following rules:

1. Slow down before you cross the bridge.
2. If another vehicle is approaching the bridge, stop. (And that goes for both sides, because really we all know that the other person wants to kill you.)
3. If you are the person closest to the bridge or you were too retarded (I use the term loosely don't be    
 offended) to stop out of the way of traffic, make eye contact with the other driver and cross.
4. After you've crossed wave politely.
5. If you were behind a stopped car and it crosses the bridge but there are cars waiting to cross from the    other side, DO NOT CROSS. Wait until one of the cars from the other side passes.
6. Most importantly, remember to not hit a car that is crossing a one lane bridge. (This happened to  me once, it was [I was the hittee not the hitter] and it is a bit of a mess, if the person following me had know the appropriate etiquette for crossing one lane bridges and hadn't been following so close he would have spared himself the embarrassment of rear ending me and busting his headlights on my '86 Trecel [built Ford tough].)

For those unfamiliar with one lane bridges, note that many people will not follow these rules, they will consider themselves superior to proper form and just drive however they please. Use caution whenever you chance upon these secret speed traps.

Please also note if a bridge has a double yellow down the middle of it, it can handle two cars, do not treat it as a one lane bridge. I will be forced to drive into you head on if this ever happens again, keep to the right.