Growing Up

It has become painfully obvious that this year, my 23rd, is quickly wrapping up. And again, as it has been every year since I turned 21 (yeah, I know, oh so many years ago) I'm beginning to panic. People seem distracted, preoccupied, and they are going to forget again. Two people at work know my birthday is next week. A few friends know (one shares my birthday, one was sweet enough to take me to Whose Live?, one may remember or may forget but he knows its here). My grandparents remembered, I got my card today. It'll be a miracle if my dad remembers, though I'm not sure why. Facebook will remember.

The plus side to my birthday blues: this year no one has pointed out what they were doing at my age. Last year it was all, "I'd been married for five years and had two kids." I think by now they realize this isn't how my life is working.

I think the fact that my loosely laid out life plan isn't shaping up the way I had pictured brings me down more than my dad not remembering and his mother reminding me that I haven't seen her in a long time can't seem to remember that birthdays other than hers exist. Apple and tree situation maybe?

I also think my panic comes from not having an adventure in sight. I can't seen a clear moment of joy in my future, I see working, I see grocery shopping and I see not enough time in the day. I think maybe I crave adventure too much, I spoiled myself with it too early... or not. Maybe I'm just playing it too safe now. Maybe I should get on a bike and ride across the country? Only I don't like bikes, but there has to be something sort of like that that I'm afraid of doing, something that I would actually.

Maybe, just maybe, I show become a roadie. I know, the whole thing has a certain skeeze factor, dirty clothes and buses and late nights and too much to drink. But I don't know that it would be bad. Maybe I should freak my mom out, join the Peace Corp like I always planned, throw caution to the wind, learn a new language, live in poverty in a strange place and maybe make a difference. I wouldn't be any worse off than I am today.

I could go back to school, take on that debt. Learn and end up actually working in a place I despise instead of just in an unstimulating job that I despise some of the time.

Operation Ada Jane seems more like a trap these days than a genius idea, but some genius ideas are traps aren't they?

Haha, who am I kidding?

Whatever you do this week don't compare me to you. Thanks a bunch!

Light Bulb

Today has been a day of revelation. I know very well that I have fallen into a dark space but such is life and experience tells me that spending money I don't have and a short period of bulimia-esque binges and a few days of starvation I'll be back to my old self.

My light bulb moments came when I was crying while driving (I don't suggest this). I've come to realize that in some cases it is me and in some cases it isn't. I am a bit of a monster, I cracked my neck at a middle-aged woman that butted in front of me in line at the grocery store and she got the hint. I also realized that until I become more chipper (ain't gonna happen) and dress in candy colors (I'll stay away from black, but candy, nope) shrink about two inches, become less assertive in nearly every way, and lose the blond I can't be what the I want to be. I am not a monster for loving who I am even when I am.

The light bulb kinda makes me want to vomit.

The neck cracking thing, because I was in a confrontational mood, was awesome.

You're all like, "Wow, Bitch is Crazy!" and I'll agree, in a sort of fleeting way I have lost my grip. Give me a few weeks and if I haven't become an raging alcoholic I'll be an awesome rut free version of me.

I'm applying to a grad program for next summer. I'm sending out unsolicited resumes again. I'm trying to figure out how to find a new physical location, this place where I live is hilarious but it's not helping me. I'll be ok, my life will be a bit tilted but maybe that's what I need.

I could use a more interesting social life, if you'd like to help let me know, I'm around.

I could use a bigger balance in my bank account, if you're gonna knock over a bank, I'm in.

You need someone to slash some tires or key a car- call me within the week, after that, I don't know if I can help.

Here's to living this thing called life!