Geniuses Tie Their Shoes and Read, At the Same Time.

Got to love the family. They're all kinds of not normal, and today full of near genius quotes. Hope quipped impressively today, kudos Hope.

The gem of the evening: "Geniuses ties their shoes and read, at the same time."

I must add context- we were discussing the family, especially the backward folk from the hills (they are backward hill folk indeed, and I can say this feeling secure that they'll never read this and feel offended). The discussion was a bit of a childhood development lecture, one cousin normal but stunted by his circumstances and the other is socially inept due to his brain chemistry. Without going much deeper, some kids read before they can tie their shoes, the readers aren't geniuses, and neither are the children who tie their shoes first.

Anywho- the family.

When I was about 16, during a dinner with my father, his second wife, her children and my grandmother we were discussing college. My grandmother was adiment that I not attend college, it was a waste of time and money. I could, and she said this to my face, become a secretary and seduce the boss man, get myself pregnant and force him into marriage. I disappointed her, I still do.

I just turned 23, the age my mother had me, her second child, the age my grandmother had my father (if I calculate correctly), her second child, the age my aunt gave birth to her second child (again, this is math not fact but most of the women in the family had at least one child by the time they were 23). I am unmarried and single, not like I'm unmarried single, like I'm not dating anyone and haven't in at least the last year. I work in a female-centric place. I graduated and its ok that I don't have an MRS I guess but I don't even have a career.

I have yet to live up to my dreams let alone hers. I won't live up to hers, but mine, that'll just take a bit of time. I do intend to get married one day. I don't think seducing the boss is the best idea, thats another story for another day though. I hope to get out of lady land and meet new folk.

Today I declare that unlike the cousins I will not end up sitting in the "holler" twiddling my thumbs wondering whats happening beyond the directTV.

Personal Problems

Of late, I know that sounds pretentious but I like it so let it slide, I've been in a state of melancholy. Maybe its the weather and the fact that I can't button the top button of my coat or maybe its the daunting sense that I don't have a job any longer. I'm going to venture that the cause of all my personal problems come from something a little less tangible. 

Fear.

I'm graduating in less than a year. Stop congratulating me. I have no idea why the hell I was so ambitious, it would be easier to fear my failure with everyone I graduated high school with. It would be even easier to take that fifth year to fuck around a little bit more but alas I have committed to the three and a half year plan and am thinking of running away from life because of it. 

To complicate all of this self loathing and panic I have spent the last year suffering rejection, I didn't get a promotion because I go to school too far away (I want you to know that the kid they hired instead of promoting me lives 3 hours from that job where as I am only 2 and I worked for the manager for nearly 4 year. I'm still pissed), I didn't get a job because I had two other jobs (neither would have interfered schedule wise, but now I know that lying isn't a bad thing at interviews) I didn't get an internship because of my GPA (next time you get 91 credits in two and half years while attempting to have a life and trying to work some of the time and keep a 2.848 over all GPA then tell me I should have had a 3.5). Last week I found out that the job I had for breaks, the one I was counting on for spring break in two weeks, is no longer mine for the having. I have been replaced by three others (my feelings shouldn't be hurt but they are, the people who replaced are fucking too old and over qualified, you need to take your fucking Marine Bio degree and do something other than scan gyno charts). 

When I graduate in December I will be 1 class short of a communications minor, have a concentration in British Literature that I won't tell anyone about because in the end it won't help, and be 1 class short of a concentration in creative writing (I took the class, got the A and then transferred and lost the three credits because it was a general creative writing class and there is nothing similar enough at my current school).

I think there should be less pressure to get Adderall induced 3.5s and 4s. I've learned plenty in college though I've missed the mark I think. I've dreamed too big and been too optimistic. Maybe I should have tried for grad school. 

What I've learned in college thus far is that I'm not enough. And it scars the hell out of me.