What it Means to be American

We like to pretend to be Canadians when we're abroad in hopes of catching less flack being of los Estados Unidos. And I say we because it's a pretty common thing though I've never attempted it. I believe my volume and girth (which is not to say that I weigh some ungodly 400 lbs but I am thick and thick stands out in a lot of places) give me away.

I never did understand why flag waving patriots who cackle at Canadian accents (have you ever heard the accent of the American Southeast? Seriously its both endearing and grating, talking that slow makes you sound "slow" and yet hot!) buy Canadian flag patches for their jackets and backpacks (and readers of Canada raise your hand if you have your country's flag sewn onto any if not all of your personal belongings). The rest of the world sees right through you for the following reasons:

1. You are loud, covered it, I know but one day you'll be abroad and in a quite moment happen upon other Americans and you'll see what I mean.

2. You are overweight. There are fatties in other countries but not like there are here, I'm not judging, I'm just saying.

3. You are dressed too casually, I once read a piece by Amy Tan that described how her Chinese mother seemed to not be able to put outfits together in any sort of subtle color scheme and as Tan was Chinese-American she was embarrassed by it. Americans we do that, in a way. And while not everyone wears athletic shoes, t-shirts, jeans and baseball caps at the same time, these items of clothing in any combination will make you stick out.

4. You are prude. Or I am prude. Really, we are prude. I'm so prude I don't understand how prude I am. Causal extramarital affair, though widely practiced, it is super-un-American in that it is shameful. I hear that this is the case in some other places, but still casual sex makes your mother wince and I think that by the time you become your mother you'll wince too. Also, I hear you have the clap.

5. You can't spell in English, your native tongue, which you believe everyone should speak fluently. I lumped a few things in here but you understand it I hope. I hate having to speak Spanish because as it is my second "language" I can't for comfortable sentences without first having my inhibitions wiped away with a bit of booze. I had to yesterday, the person I was talking to didn't understand a bit of English and I can't blame him this language is a bit of a challenge. But he was making me uncomfortable with my Spanish because he wasn't reacting like he recognized the words that I was saying. So I don't expect everyone to speak English. I can't spell though. I have the handy-dandy spell check on the computer but anyone who has ever received a text message from me knows that letters don't make sense to me. Also I often am told that my misspellings are forgivable because I am American and don't know any better! I am both comforted and offended.

So my loud, fat, sloppy, prude monolingual friends stop pretending to be Canadian. Be as American as you can because you'll either be helping America's reputation or hurting it but there is no need to be hurting (or helping?) Canada's reputation (sorry Canada).