Grasping the Glimmer

Hope has a funny way of shining through even when you least expect it. I put in my notice at the dreaded retail job and applied myself to applying to jobs. Got a near immediate hit, woot! Interviewed today, woot! And can see myself making money now, being happy, moving away eventually. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Hope is the interviews, my friend Katie and I each had one today and are praying that it's the out we've each been looking for. My birthday twin started his trudge though retail hell today, for a good cause, he's back in school, he'll finish it soon enough and be back to work in the real world.

So we each have our little taste of hope. And it is sort of a fleeting taste, now that things have started rolling we take a passive role in respective fates. Hoping. Waiting. It's enough to make one drink. But maybe tomorrow night, tonight we're broke.

A Sigh of Something Like Relief

This week isn't shaping up so badly. The shoulder is killing me but it could also be a thousand times worse, I can still use my right arm but am somewhat restricted to how high I can lift things, and my hand keeps shifting from numb to achy, and don't even suggest a visit to an MD. I'll live with a bit of rest, good thing I have this weekend off.

Speaking of the weekend off, I'm going to a college party tomorrow night. I'm not entirely sure what to wear; I have always found this whole trendy/slutty/cute thing to be very elusive. I think it has something to do with having an ample bosom at a young age. I spent forever hiding the girls and now I don't have a damned thing to show them off in. Most of my clothes are for work any way, not that I have a real job the requires real work clothes (Girl Scouts, always prepared for the future that we planned for to come to fruition). I have good shoes for this party. I could wear jeans but the top thing is still a problem. What has happened to my wardrobe?

Also what is with the dry skin thing that happens this time of year? I'm itchy and my itching hand is attached to my bad shoulder by an arm. I'm going to have to gain some dexterity in my left hand if I'm going to survive the next week. I can barely drive my automatic transmission vehicle with just my left hand, maybe they have helping-hand dogs and I can barrow one until I regain full range of motion?

Blue as Blue Can Be Because of Me

This always seems to happen to me, which seeing as I am the only constant in the situation makes me think it's my fault. Now I just need to know what I am doing wrong.

First thing: every time I wear contacts I spend the day crying. It's not really a cause and effect thing I don't think, it's more of a correlation thing. I wear contacts when I want to feel better about myself, I want to feel a little bit pretty or something, which usually means that a bad day is coming but people keep suggesting that on bad days I do something special for myself as a kind of pick-me-up. Its a great suggestions and I think it works for people who are a little down, but I'm never a little down, I'm up or I'm shattered into little pieces on the floor. Do I stop wearing the contacts or now? (Right now, I've stopped crying to type this but I can't see any of it, I'm running on blind faith because my contacts are so twisted that for me to see I have to have my nose four inches from the screen.)

I cried over my clothes today, nothing felt pretty. My white is all grey and I can't find most of the things I want to wear. My jeans that I did find are too long, the only pair of too long jeans I own and they're too big in the hips. I'm not even picky, a pair of baggy jeans is a good thing but jeans that fit in the legs and not in the whole top area are a bit of a heinous thing. Don't worry though, a size smaller is something truly revolting, too tight in the legs (I have very muscly legs, they're not fat which is why this is so stressful) which pulls the butt which tightens the hips but don't worry the waist gaps a good inch in the back.

I cried over my friends today too. Most of them are excused, with the holiday season approaching people's older (and sometimes not so older) relatives start to hit rough patches. Be with your families, my heart goes out to you. The rest of my friends (excluding those who have not neglected me and have responded to queries) just call me or text me. I'll probably return the birthday present I bought you. I won't because I'm weak and though I wonder why we're friends half the time (you know who you are). And in that respect I need to grow up. I have issues with people, especially authority figures and men, I have issues with loyalty and trust. This is nothing new, hell I think I've been pretty open about my crazy, so please please for my crazies' sake stop ignoring me and for everyone's sake stop lying. Lying is a sin and for it you will burn in hell. (I'm not entirely sure I subscribe to this but honesty does get you much farther in life.)

I think I have a cavity. My tooth hurts a bit, though it could be from grinding them and I can't wear my night guard because it needs adjusted. I'd get all of these things fixed or at least checked out but going to the dentist would cost me the whole of my pay check. I can't pay my rent let alone pay for my teeth so instead I cry about not having insurance, which makes me cry about not having a real job which makes me cry about the debt I have because I have a degree which in turn makes me queasy about the thought of going back to school because a BA is just not good enough if I want to make more than minimum (ish) wage.

I'm still not happy with my hair.

My hands have gotten skinnier which I'm sure makes the rest of me look fatter. Though the good news is I know how to lose weight now, the bad news is I have to stop taking one of my medications which will screw with a lot of internal things. The new gym I joined is supposed to be opening next week, it won't.  I'm going to cry about that because its getting too cold and dark to keep walking too many miles outside. My hips hurt and I stretch them like people tell me to do, they still hurt. I am broken out like a nervous 15-year-old and I'm sure my hair touching my face all the time isn't helping.

I'm starving. I hate leftovers and there isn't anything I can just whip up. I can't eat another egg or grilled (a misnomer, I do believe) cheese this week.

All I wanted when I woke up today was someone to join me in being ridiculously spontaneous. I just wanted to go to that concert and as fate would have it, it didn't sell out, which would have made it easier for me and my spontaneous friend but I now realize that to be whimsical you have to be willing to go it alone, I'm willing to go to movies alone, I'm willing to eat in restaurants alone, I'm willing to travel to new places alone but I have yet to find the courage to go to a concert alone.There is nothing worse than being truly alone in a crowd.

So tell me, what do I need to do to make all my dreams come true? How do I make my life meet my expectations?

I'm sure I'll still be crying next month but I'm not sure how much longer I can stay stagnant like this. Spending one full day a week with contacts super-suctioned to my eyeballs is the least fun I've ever had and I need it to stop,

Spring Break!

Two months later my boss for my school job get back to me and I get to go back to work!!! I need the fundage (remind me later to call my dad and beg $100 off of him because I'm short on rent). 

Did I mention I just got my job back, 8 hours a week at $7.35, the week before spring break? 

Oh wait- I lost my 40 hour a week at $12 two weeks ago!

Phrase of the semester: Mother Fucker.

Its totally uncalled for, I know. The problem is I'm broke. I have bills to pay, big electric bills and I don't even have money for groceries. If I had time I'd get a second job, but college is getting in the way.

Please save me.

I want a spring break.