Personal Problems

Of late, I know that sounds pretentious but I like it so let it slide, I've been in a state of melancholy. Maybe its the weather and the fact that I can't button the top button of my coat or maybe its the daunting sense that I don't have a job any longer. I'm going to venture that the cause of all my personal problems come from something a little less tangible. 

Fear.

I'm graduating in less than a year. Stop congratulating me. I have no idea why the hell I was so ambitious, it would be easier to fear my failure with everyone I graduated high school with. It would be even easier to take that fifth year to fuck around a little bit more but alas I have committed to the three and a half year plan and am thinking of running away from life because of it. 

To complicate all of this self loathing and panic I have spent the last year suffering rejection, I didn't get a promotion because I go to school too far away (I want you to know that the kid they hired instead of promoting me lives 3 hours from that job where as I am only 2 and I worked for the manager for nearly 4 year. I'm still pissed), I didn't get a job because I had two other jobs (neither would have interfered schedule wise, but now I know that lying isn't a bad thing at interviews) I didn't get an internship because of my GPA (next time you get 91 credits in two and half years while attempting to have a life and trying to work some of the time and keep a 2.848 over all GPA then tell me I should have had a 3.5). Last week I found out that the job I had for breaks, the one I was counting on for spring break in two weeks, is no longer mine for the having. I have been replaced by three others (my feelings shouldn't be hurt but they are, the people who replaced are fucking too old and over qualified, you need to take your fucking Marine Bio degree and do something other than scan gyno charts). 

When I graduate in December I will be 1 class short of a communications minor, have a concentration in British Literature that I won't tell anyone about because in the end it won't help, and be 1 class short of a concentration in creative writing (I took the class, got the A and then transferred and lost the three credits because it was a general creative writing class and there is nothing similar enough at my current school).

I think there should be less pressure to get Adderall induced 3.5s and 4s. I've learned plenty in college though I've missed the mark I think. I've dreamed too big and been too optimistic. Maybe I should have tried for grad school. 

What I've learned in college thus far is that I'm not enough. And it scars the hell out of me.