Etiquette of a One Lane Bridge

I understand that there are many fancy things to learn when you drive in new places (those round-a-bouts that keep popping up might seem easy until its too dark and you go one arm off the circle too far), and I know it is unfair to be critical of those people who are confused by new and unusual traffic patterns, especially if you have been driving it since before you drove and they're lost and confused.

Not all of those people out there driving on the same roads as me are lost, confused, or new to one lane bridges, heck, I'd even venture to say that the lost/confused/new people are more careful about the whole one lane bridge thing than most people who drive them everyday. If you ever find yourself at a one lane bridge please take a deep breath and follow the following rules:

1. Slow down before you cross the bridge.
2. If another vehicle is approaching the bridge, stop. (And that goes for both sides, because really we all know that the other person wants to kill you.)
3. If you are the person closest to the bridge or you were too retarded (I use the term loosely don't be    
 offended) to stop out of the way of traffic, make eye contact with the other driver and cross.
4. After you've crossed wave politely.
5. If you were behind a stopped car and it crosses the bridge but there are cars waiting to cross from the    other side, DO NOT CROSS. Wait until one of the cars from the other side passes.
6. Most importantly, remember to not hit a car that is crossing a one lane bridge. (This happened to  me once, it was [I was the hittee not the hitter] and it is a bit of a mess, if the person following me had know the appropriate etiquette for crossing one lane bridges and hadn't been following so close he would have spared himself the embarrassment of rear ending me and busting his headlights on my '86 Trecel [built Ford tough].)

For those unfamiliar with one lane bridges, note that many people will not follow these rules, they will consider themselves superior to proper form and just drive however they please. Use caution whenever you chance upon these secret speed traps.

Please also note if a bridge has a double yellow down the middle of it, it can handle two cars, do not treat it as a one lane bridge. I will be forced to drive into you head on if this ever happens again, keep to the right.

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

That's a lie, the mice are stirring and it's driving me insane in the membrane. There is a flock of mice in the ceiling of the family room, they usually just run back and forth but today, being December 24th, they are shooting for ironic. If there was music I would find their behavior both amusing an appropriate but the dancing in my head should be sugarplums and the clatter on the roof should be eight tiny reindeer.

There are threats of calling the exterminator but I'm not entirely sure I'm ok with that. The mice seem to be keeping out of the comestibles (with the exception of that bold mouse that chased the cat into my sister's room, poor mouse died of suffocation in a water bottle because my sister was too afraid to put it outside). I don't see the sense in killing them, they were here first (species wise) on this place (and I mean the plot of land where my house sits, I don't know about the evolutionary thing) and we have taken over pushing them out. It just seems wrong.

While we live and let live I hope you all have a Merry Christmas.

I'm hoping the next two days are  better than I anticipated, it just might be this year.

The Africa Tree is Dead



This is an actual tree in Africa. This is my tree's twin.

 When I was very young there were more fields than yards, most of the fields have windscreen trees from years of farming but this one field had a lone tree near it's center, to me the tree looked like something out of National Geographic. I always wanted to take a picture but seeing it in life was better than a photograph.

That tree made me want to see things. I want to go to Africa and see real African trees.

The tree looked like it belonged somewhere else and for much of my life I have felt that only part of me belonged in my small town.

A town that in the last 20 years has become less and less recognizable. The yuppies and houses have taken over. It has gone from being Virginia to Northern Virginia, land of sprawl and nothingness. A hostile (sometimes) foreign land which I have some how landed back in after running away to better more interesting places.

The other day, because I started writing this when I first saw it but couldn't make it work, I drove past the field where the tree stands. It is still a field, but now a house sits in the far corner and it is fenced for cows and horses. As I drove passed I saw the limbs more on the ground rather than in the sky. Progress strangled the tree's home and nature is finishing it off. The tree has been dead for several years, the leaves are few and far between but now it will never have the chance to try to bud again. It is more than dead. It is broken and with it my spirit. And my connection to this place.

Sorry for My Neglect

Today I have anxiety.

Later I shall write the most excellent post ever.

Sorry it has been so long in the making.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

I keep hearing rumors that the snow is piling up everywhere but other than the TV (and we all know everything we see on TV is fake) I hadn't seen any hard evidence... until this morning. It's snowing here finally! But don't get too excited it'll send soon enough and the grass isn't even covered yet. The roads are an extreme hazard despite the lack of depth.

Here in VA we like to freak at the first flake but the reality is the roads are mostly untreated, so frozen, and will remain uncleared for a while. I will have to call work tomorrow to inform them that I'm running late because after I drive eight miles out of ruralaliy (not a real word) the first town I hit is going to be snow covered with not-particularly-smart people driving their fancy sports cars (all of which a lining the edge of the roads that have already been cleared, its hard to drive up hill you know) like the road is dry. I'll get stuck in accident traffic and become a bit frustrated with my fellow man. Also it will be busy as all get out with people who couldn't drive to work because of the torturous conditions but can make it to the outlet mall.

Settling Up (?)

Today, I worked really hard to find a job that isn't the job I'm working right now. I need more hours and I need a higher wage, my college degree (that's right gay manager Jason, I have a degree) demands it.

The whole idea of taking a job that isn't in the field that I want makes me sick to my stomach, not as sick as making $8.10 an hour with an acting store manager who does everything but manage makes me but still. I'm forced in some way to continue to settle for less than what I want, no, I take that back, I'm settling for less than I deserve.

Wait, where is cheeky Megan? Who is this righteous bitch who has replaced her? (I don't know, we'll blame the crazies.)

I think that even with my uneven bangs and my current inability to dress myself appropriately for my current job (lack o' funds you see) I worked hard to get to where I got this time last year. But all I've done is back peddle.  I beg people to open credit cards, people who claim to make $200K a year and can only manage a $750 credit limit because they have a barely passable credit score. I'm ruining my own future, how is the economy going to recover if I don't stop doing my job?

So we'll see where I settle. Maybe it'll hold the bad off long enough or maybe (and this is my hope) it'll be just enough to get me into the classes I need, (fingers crossed) I'll come out in a year with software knowledge and a publishing certificate.

Here's to Hoping!

Passive, Aggressive or Passive Aggressive

I might be making it up as I go now but I've got a lot to consider, especially how I'm supposed to handle my current stressers.

If you didn't know it already I am an aggressive individual, assertive and confrontational, mostly at appropriate times but you know you get in a bad head space and I may or may not break your face for no reason. I have always felt that confrontation (though not always fighting) solves problems quickly. You tell me why you're angry, I give you my side there is some shouting and someone stomps off, an apology usually follows whether in an hour or a year, and everything is right as rain.

Most people support the passive way of doing things but I refuse to bend over and take it over and over when I have the power to stop all the nonsense. I have a few friends who are passive, we get into sensational fights. Mostly when one of said friends tells me "it'll all be ok." Ok is not ok unless it's the best I can do and at this point ok screams failure. And passive means it'll all be ok because I am not powerful enough nor willing to change it.

Passive aggressive is ironically not a combination of the two, it's slimy. But today I tried it. And it was a bit fun. I did as I was told but took forever doing it, not unlike the person who instructed me to do my job. After two hours working in the same five by five foot space I was told to move on. Usually, I'm not one for making work hard or sizing and reorganizing because it is the most useless work ever, but I only worked three hours and managed to meet all my goals and do nothing, it was epic.

I'm torn now, do I continue this passive aggressive route and win, or do I go all out confrontational, I can lose my job either way, not that I want to keep it but I have to have other options first.

Options, options, options, I remember when they existed.

Making It Up As I Go

 The rules of the game have changed. What was said, and written, seem to no longer stand so I have no choice than to make it up my own rules as I go.

First, I need a doctor's note. I'll see if I can procure one of these some time this week. Shouldn't be too hard, a mental health day always does a body good any who.

Second, I need the stars to align and the weather to be horrid when I wake up, I also need a few calls and emails about jobs to at least put my mind at ease. I'm hurting myself by playing dirty, it'll shrink my paycheck to a scary small point, but I am a human and deserve to be treated like one, something the acting store manager has yet to figure out.

Third, I need the cosmos to align and make everything ok. It's vague but this is dirty (?) laundry that doesn't really need Internet airing. But I need this black hole of the last couple of months to turn into a bright sparkling wonderful thing. Sooner would be better, please cosmos, the whole thing makes me a bit sick to my stomach.

So here's the game. I work retail, the hours are never predictable this time of year, you could get 47 or you could get five and the bills aren't getting paid either way so 47 looks better and better. Lately, the schedule that is put out a week in advanced has started to count for nothing. So one particular manager, who I admittedly detest, and I'm sure she feels the same about me, likes to just change the schedule. She cut me a few days this week and told me I'm not allowed to work more than 16 hours, this is incorrect and that makes me angry. Today when I got to work she had decided to cut seven hours from my week. No cool. One of the shifts I understand, if there are no boxes to open I have nothing to do but last time I checked cutting a four hour shift means that you lose four hours from your week, though I'm beginning to think people think I'm daft so I'll roll with it. But what I don't get is when I show up at 2 PM next Saturday what am I supposed to do now that she's changed it so that I don't work until 6 PM?

I will not be working that's what. That's where the doctor's note comes in. An MD is a slacker's and, in my case, a disgruntled employee's best friend. Thank you future writer of a doctor's note. (It'll probably be a GYN if I can get someone to forge one for me, no one will ask about the lady problems, and if they do I'll remind them that HIPPA is a real and serious law thing.)

I'm actually getting increasingly angry as I write and I know that my flow is super off, so I'm going to head to bed. I have a lot more I need to make up that pertains to real life and not Ann Taylor (I mentioned you again, and in an ugly light, contact me higher ups, we'll have a chat).

Get on Gayle's Level

My sister is home from school. Oprah is a Barbara Walter's special. I'm bored so I'm watching this with her. Oprah's best friend, but not lesbian love, is Gayle King. Oprah describes Gayle as:

The mother she never had and the best sister anyone could wish for.

Hannah's response:

Megan get on Gayle's level.

And to that I have to say:

Alright.

Ha ha ha or not because really come on if I could be on Gayle's level I'd ditch my sisters and go find Oprah. Hell, that woman could find me a job, my sisters just threaten me and let their African friends touch my hair since I have to ultimate white people hair.

Which gives me an idea... I'm going to be the star attraction at the petting zoo! Or a stripper, which ever pays better.

A Kick in the Face

Today I woke up, did some chores and was getting read to go to work when I got a call.

Don't come in.

Yeah thanks for that. Give me shit for getting sick, keep me over what I'm scheduled and then get pissy when I leave an hour and a half late, next yell about all the times I didn't take breaks when I work enough hours to because well you know.

I am back to my crazies. No deep crazy yet but teetering towards that good ol' fun place.

Help me find a job that wants me to work the hours they schedule me for.

Also, Nahome- Suck It.

Help Wanted!

I've been looking for signs around town that express interest in hiring people. They are super hard to find. But looking for the stupid red signs got me thinking, when I was a young child I believed that a "Help Wanted" sign was in fact a PSA to help fugitives.

I know, you think I'm a nut. But for some reason I had this strange idea that we were supposed to aid the most wanted, keep them clothed and fed and out of the police's way. I didn't think this was a smart thing to do, as far as I had discerned criminals weren't people you really should be associating with, but I also was wise enough as a child to understand that people had differing ideologies.

Maybe it has to do with my religious mother and her Catholicism in a not particularly large town where plenty of Catholics reside but aren't always welcome (second most unwelcome Christians next to the Mormons I might add). Maybe it's that my parents are non-political (mostly) and maybe it's because growing up I understood that people only understood what they had experienced and living in a homogeneous place gave people a lot of room for misunderstanding. But mostly I think it was because even as a kid I was awesome.

I always wondered why some people wanted to put criminals in jail and why others wanted to help me, so much so that they posted it on shop windows. You're thinking now, "Well hells bells Megan, in all you're wisdom you're not that bright and shiny." But wait there is more!

I got my first job when I was 16, the sign that led me into the store said "Employment Opportunities." I had figured out by this point that "Help Wanted" meant the same thing but I had yet to come face to face with a real bad ass criminal. My first job, and subsequent jobs for that matter, have brought me into close contact with these people, I've worked with people jailed for being part of a gang that beat a man to death, stealing $5000 work of goods from a Target, possession of narcotics, DUI, credit card fraud and just being all around stupid. I have only not gotten along with two of said criminals, the Target thief (and not because she is a thief but because she wants me to risk my job to help her [though that might be part of the being a thief thing]) and the guy with the fraud issues (he also had a nasty habit of taking money out of other people's wallets, including mine).

Everyone else has been a "woops! my bad criminal." They seemed to be on the right track at that point and I would have helped them in some reasonable way if they had needed it. I would not have gone on a date with their criminal friends no matter how awesome they potentially were. Some how this idea from my childhood has made me sympathize with these social rejects. Maybe it's my bright and shiny wisdom shining though or maybe I'm a saint. But I've always wondered what would happen if we actually did help the wanted.

Christmas Letter

Each year as the Christmas cards flood the mailbox you are inundated with pictures of people you don't really remember and letter explaining the lives of those very same folk. In my family there is one letter that we love to open because, though it is not intended to be, it is hilarious. Its a good ole run of the mill holier-than-thou letter of awesomeness. The kind where people announce their toddlers speak in paragraphs (there's nothing wrong with pride, but come on, who speaks in paragraphs?) and then describe their unborn offspring as impending. I don't know about you but impending has always connoted doom (ie impending doom) or something wholly unpleasant, next time you guys qualify it with impending joy or something, not just impending.

Last year one of my uncles sent a letter just to say "Yo, we're here too and we hate these letters so here is yet another one to read." It was actually a pretty good letter and it inspired my mother.

Last week my mother asked me to write a form letter. I was very confused as to why I was writing a form letter, though I have the capabilities it's not really something I enjoy doing, but then she clarified. My mother wanted a Christmas letter to send to all of her family. It was a daunting task, I needed the right balance of humor and superiority, I needed a good shock factor and I needed everyone to think that maybe, perhaps, my mother didn't write the letter.

So, here it is:

Seasons Greetings Folks!

We hope all is well this Christmas and as the year ends you will be able to look back on 2010 with fond memories. We have been incredibly busy this year, so busy in fact we would like to share the high points with you.

April has become a world traveler. Last spring she went on a cruise that circled the Caribbean with one propeller, though it was still chillier than she would have hoped, she had a blast and returned home, to the second decent snow storm of this year, with a tan. Before her tan faded she was snowed in for a week, trapped by about five feet of snow. This fall she took a quick jaunt to the Emerald Isle where she forgot to eat the cheese she dreamed about but drank in the sights just long enough to know that she wants to go back and see more than just Dublin.

Hope had a successful end to her sophomore year and got her first job. All summer she lounged by the pool tanning with her sun glasses on, waiting but nobody’s life needed saving. After school started and the homecoming buzz began she found herself loathing the popular girls as they announced the junior homecoming court, she apparently wondered aloud “I wonder who the fourth bitch is?” only for her named to be called. Even Hope agrees that this was the best bitch for the job. Unfortunately, her tan didn’t get to participate in the homecoming festivities with her.

Hannah turned 21 this year, was maced at a school dance and finally declared her major. If you ever need a good PO look her up, after hearing that could be one of her career options she jumped on the sociology bandwagon. When Hannah isn’t studying how to best beat the criminal mind she is wrecking cars and playing in the mounds of snow that have been falling in Wise since October.

Mark was laid off early in the year and moved to Roanoke to work, where late in summer he was laid off and he moved back to Round Hill. Aiden is three now and keeping his dad very busy with his love of dinosaurs, library books, library books about dinosaurs and his clever quips.

After Megan graduated last December she found an internship for a group of history magazines, fell in love with getting published and has been working for Ann Taylor Factory Store ever since. Who needs a byline when they have a double certification in pants fit?

Merry Christmas!

Love,
The aforementioned sign.

Facebook

So I'm on facebook. I know, right, I'm so trendy-cool. Everyone wants to be me. Everyone wants to be on the facebook. Including my grandmother.

Yes, my grandmother decided that she would like to be my friend. Don't tell her but I only became her friend because I don't want to worry the family. I'm the nice one here, I have accepted the "friendship" of several aunts, my mom's childhood best friend and so forth. I'm not even a friend-whore, I go through and delete "
"friends" every once and a while but some of them you just can't get rid of, they'll call your mommy.

Curses facebook, curses!

Also how am I supposed to create traffic via facebook? I don't want her to know that I despise everything about everything she's ever said to me, and if she reads this she will know.

hmph.

To Do

As my crazies fade a bit I'm faced with a need for a plan of action. This task is enough to throw me back into the throes of depression but fear not good friends I shall persevere, and probably take out my frustrations in small acts of road rage.

My brother called me today, asking me about where to put your cover letter when sending a resume via email. I giggled a little (it's all I could muster, my innards hurt from vomiting for 24 of the last 38 hours), he was asking my advice on something that I can't get anywhere on myself. I'm super happy to help but my God ask the right person! I'm trying not to weep over my most recent rejection letter but you know how it goes.

Anyhow, I need to get my ass in gear. I'm going to read some good books.

Reread:
1. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
2. The Descrete Pleasures of Rejection
3. The Poisonwood Bible
4. Lolita
5. A Time To Kill

Read:
1. Jane Eyre
2. Catcher in the Rye
3. Catch 22
4. Slaughterhouse-Five
5. Brideshead Revisited

I'm going to apply to a few schools, vomit over application fees but apply none the less.

I'm going to start buying things that I need, a computer, going out clothes, navy shoes, underthings.

I'm going to get my bangs trimmed and whiten the teeth.

I'm going to make new friends. I'm serious, new friends, where I'll find them I do not know.

I'm going to do things. See things.

I'm going to live.

I've spent this whole year wasting time and now that I've had a complete and disguesting breakdown it's time to change everything.

Winter Weather

I work two pairs of pants yesterday. Its not even that cold but its getting to me. I'm not into putting on a heavy coat just yet, I can barely remember to wear shoes other than flip-flop let alone taking gloves and a hat just in case.

They've taken snow out of the forecast for where I live so I'm going to just dive right in (Sorry, Nora you thought I was visiting for your birthday) I'm heading to a place that has a high chance of accumulating, if only a half inch, some snow today. I'm taking my coat, even though I'm not sure I can bear to put it on, and boots but not snow boots.

Wish me luck!

A Sigh of Something Like Relief

This week isn't shaping up so badly. The shoulder is killing me but it could also be a thousand times worse, I can still use my right arm but am somewhat restricted to how high I can lift things, and my hand keeps shifting from numb to achy, and don't even suggest a visit to an MD. I'll live with a bit of rest, good thing I have this weekend off.

Speaking of the weekend off, I'm going to a college party tomorrow night. I'm not entirely sure what to wear; I have always found this whole trendy/slutty/cute thing to be very elusive. I think it has something to do with having an ample bosom at a young age. I spent forever hiding the girls and now I don't have a damned thing to show them off in. Most of my clothes are for work any way, not that I have a real job the requires real work clothes (Girl Scouts, always prepared for the future that we planned for to come to fruition). I have good shoes for this party. I could wear jeans but the top thing is still a problem. What has happened to my wardrobe?

Also what is with the dry skin thing that happens this time of year? I'm itchy and my itching hand is attached to my bad shoulder by an arm. I'm going to have to gain some dexterity in my left hand if I'm going to survive the next week. I can barely drive my automatic transmission vehicle with just my left hand, maybe they have helping-hand dogs and I can barrow one until I regain full range of motion?

Sorry Mommy

My mom read a recent post while she was at work. I'm in trouble for saying the eff word on the computer.
Sorry. I shall try to curb my potty mouth.

I Choose to Believe I am Unbreakable

Yesterday I killed my shoulder. I'll be holding a memorial for it today at work where I'll be spending eight hours slinging boxes and heaving piles of hanging things. You're welcome to join me, though, they probably won't pay you as well as they pay me!

Goodbye shoulder strength. Goodbye shoulder.

THE Journey

I am one of the Three Wisemans (ahahahahaha) and Christmas is coming. My sisters and I are gearing up for our annual journey. This year's journey was planned over the Thanksgiving holiday, I think my sisters are going along with my suggestions to appease me but in a way I appreciate it.

As the usual we'll leave on the 25th. We'll follow the star until we get there hand over our gifts and then go on our merry ways, at which point we'll probably divide up for sanity reasons but none of us will return home right away. You know, things to do, people to see.

The biggest issue I'm having is gift shopping. Gold is expensive, today is a time when I'd rather have stock in gold than have to buy a lump of it for a child. My sisters will have to find their own gifts because I'm currently hunting for transportation. I was thinking camels but camels are hard to come by in these parts and it's fucking cold, I have a hunch that camels aren't super into cold weather. I could filtch a donkey from down the way but that would kind of work against the pricipals of THE journey, wouldn't it?

If you have any suggestions as to where I can find cheap gold let me know? How about some camels?

I think we may need a guide and a chaparoen as well. Volunteers?

Meds

While in an unrelated discussion one of my friends mentioned that while she was taking the meds that I am currently taking she went nuts. It got me thinking, could my meds (which I don't need to live, but prefer not having to live with not having them) be part, probably not all, of my crazies?

It's an idea that hadn't crossed my mind, it makes sense, but after nearly ten years taking them (that number is frightening) why now? Or really why not just October and February which are the months I usually catch the crazies.

To all the folks who keep talking about the horrors of this new medical reform just remember I cannot go to a doctor to change my meds because I don't have insurance or the $200 give or take that it would cost to do so uninsured, but if my medication is part of my problem I run the risk of glassing someone, wrecking my car into pedestrians and walking out on my job. If I do any of these three things I run the risk of harming myself in the process (the deer are trying very hard to harm me) I'll actually cost you more as a tax payer because I'm not only uninsured, I'm underemployed, and would not be expected to foot my bill because well I'd starve to death if I had to pay for more than a doctors visit for a simple illness.

Ok, well that got a little heavy. It's sort of a response to the shit I get from the people I work with, I am scum to them for not having health insurance. They are scum to me, living on maxed out credit cards, strumpeting around and spending their miserable lives bitching about everything there is to bitch about (you ladies know who you are).

I am not going to run anyone over, not intentionally anyhow you pedestrians need to wear lighter colors when crossing three lanes of traffic before dawn. I won't harm myself either, I think talking about the crazies worries people. Come January I'm going to the doctor, I'm going to the dentist and I'm buy contacts, the one pair I have has lasted too long as is. I'm also going to refill all my prescriptions. And when January rolls around after my appointments and all, I'm going to change shit. I don't know how but I will.