Death to Spontaneity

I am, by nature, whimsical. I love to just go and do whenever the idea strikes.

The idea struck last week. I don't have the time or the money to go but I want to, I'm itching to go. But without companions this trip is not financially possible. My potential companions whimped. I can't blame them, it's an eight hour drive for a basically one day, two night stay. But this trip is would have been guaranteed good time.

I think thats where my whim comes in. This two jobs, non-stop thing is killing me. I'm becoming angry again and my hips hurt like I'm an old lady. I want a social life, but more than just drinking every couple of nights because lets be honest the alcohol doesn't do much for my figure. Neither does working all the time. I'm too tired to workout as much as I'd like too, especially with the hips hurting before the run.

So next time I catch a whim, I'm running with it. Time and money won't stand in my way.

Mall Masturbating Mondays

Hows that for clinical terms, eh? And alliteration to boot!

But seriously this here post is just a late, Monday there was an incident (I heard second hand, thank everything holy) at the outlet mall where I work half my life.

So the story goes there was an older dude walking around the mall with tight, and from my understanding they were tight to the point that his penis was only veiled in the sense that he had it covered with fabric, sweatpants. I've heard several people report that they noticed this during their pre-work/break strolls but felt uncomfortable mentioning it to coworkers mostly because they didn't want to seem like super creepers, the situation, it seemed at the time, was one of misfortunate (as opposed to unfortunate?) fashion, poor dressing, disgusting negligence. Then it turned sinister.

My sister had customers return to her store asking for security (if you didn't know outlet mall cops are even more worthless than mall cops) to be called. After a bit of managerial coxing the girls who returned finally explained that this man was outside, beware clinical term here, masturbating, now digression from the clinical, he was jerking it in public. Three stores had reported him for choking the chicken in public, security hunted the meat beater to no avail.

The Monday Masturbater got away!

How is it that the outlet mall cops let him get away... well they were in their truck behind the mall chatting on the phone and peeing into cups. This is what they do. Why would they stop people from being exposed to public wanking?

As the World Ends

So yesterday I find out that Judgement Day is tomorrow, leaving me only today to prepare. I'm a bit freaked out seeing as if I had known sooner things could be a little different.

I don't know, my uber pious life doesn't seem to be what the thumpers have in mind for Heaven, so this Hell thing, I should have made the most of it. But how do you do that when you only have one day to plan?

I guess I could call out sick and stay wasted for the next 24 hours but in the off chance Ann Taylor is going down with me I'm not entirely sure I should burn that bridge. Plus I can only do that kind of drunk so often and Wednesday took care of the quota for this week.

Tonight I'll clean my house and watch a movie instead of whoring it up and stealing thing just in case those sandwich-boarded Christians did their math wrong. But I'll have to make tomorrow a little interesting. Maybe I'll advertise an end of the world sale to make my job both amusing and chaotic, but then again the crazies might take it seriously.

You think Ann Taylor would mind if I wear my tin foil hat for the potential alien invasion that comes with a modern day Apocalypse? Oh goodness, a thought just occurred to me, what if only the Branch Davidians ascend? Though weirder things have happened,

Why God?! I needed time to plan for this.

Aging: How are you handling this whole big thing?

The boss man declared that he is not having a quarter/mid-life crisis. My friend posted the year her intern was born in outrage. And I have to keep reminding people that I don't understand their cultural references, the time they are talking about was mostly mega-blocks for me.

But both the boss man and the friend are (or about to be) the big 3-0. One won't say it aloud and the other hides  behind the fact that she can pass for much younger. So why is this a big deal? I didn't think 30 would be a big deal. He's a rather successful person and she's married and figuring her shit out. But the way they're freaked out has me freaked out.

If my boss can't say that he is going to be 30 in my presence then what the hell am I going to do when I reach that old age? I'm 23 and that scares me, my relative year and a half of stagnation not withstanding, every time I have a birthday someone explains that when they were my age they were married and had children (thanks mom!).

If the past year and a half hasn't put a damper on my by 30 successes then lets not focus on those. Lets focus on the fact that I have no grey hair (suck on that 30-somethings) and only that average 40-somethings sun damaged skin. I have yet to grow crows feet! But can't see past my hands without the aid of ever thickening lenses.

Hurry marry me off before this gets any worse!

This May Be a Migraine

I'm suffering from a headache.

I hurts to keep my eyes open. It hurts to hear things. So to make myself feel better I'm going to work in an inappropriately low dress and a cardi that doesn't really match. Breathing is making the headache worse.

Self-diagnosis: Migraine.

I should have been a doctor.

Impulse Control

I have the urge to run away.

I don't know where I'm driven to go but away would work just fine. I have been considering the roots of this urge and I'm going to offend a hell of a lot of good friends when I reveal why I need to escape. Sorry good friends, this isn't personal.

My renewed urge to start anew is partially the result of a new batch of college graduates (congrats!). Their graduation isn't their fault so much as it is just how time moves. My hang up isn't even with them finishing school but rather with them looking for the same jobs as I am.

In an awesome world I'd be ok with this competition, it would drive me to be better but I'm beginning to break under the lack of personal development. Yeah so in a minor freak out I hung some cheap prints in my room and added mismatched knobs to my dresser and am considering a new bedspread (but those are pricey).

Personal development. It's a funny thing, I used to be so good at it. Traveling to new places and trying new things but I haven't even tried a new restaurant in like, forever. I really need to get on with it.

Maybe with the short return of a very fine friend will be the kick in the pants I need. Also cross your fingers for a second interview.

Catching Up

I finally watched Steve Carell's final episode of The Office.

And here's the thing, I've never been one of the run-home-Thursday-for-The-Office types, but I shed tears, real tears, over that episode.

What is the world coming to?

Also I'm in recovery from having the internet read to me this week so I'm spending little time blogging. I'll return once I shake the feeling that the internet isn't haunting me when I'm not reading it.

Do it for the Gringo

You've got to love when people misspeak. My mother said this whole gringo thing and I think she meant dinero but in the context of the conversation she referred to either my brother, his son or my brother's girlfriend as a gringo. Only one of them appears to be "foreign" enough to be given that title, sorry Lora.

I had to laugh earlier at my lovely Indian coworker when she asked me if I had the boss's cell phone. I was bewildered, having someone else's cell is just odd. What she meant to ask me was if I had his cell phone number. And I did but the phone call that confused me was a bit of hilarity.

Other people stumble and blubber, myself included. But these silly missteps are gems that we should embrace. Our minds are too complex to just toss it up to a simple confusion. I read a book about it once. And I loved it. Just as I love the quotes I get from other people misspeaking.

Woe is Work

Today was flipping exciting.

I got a trainee... surprise!

Had a heart to heart with the HR department regarding some of the interoffice disputes.

Confirmed that I am scheduled for 40 hours this coming week.

Set up an interview for 4 PM Monday afternoon.

Yes, I am aware there is very much overlapping. But my fortune this week said something about effort at school or work next week. Maybe this one is right and I won't have to wait until "next Monday" like the last fortune said.

Anyone want to work for me during my "appointment" Monday?

Bossy: The New Standard in Work Ethics

I am bossy.

Or so I've been told. I tend to believe that I am direct. Honest and very direct.

Both of my jobs are female dominated and that leads to many a gossip. The problems is that it all, and I mean all,  gets back to the subject. So yeah, I tell people that the manager calls me wasted. She needs to know she's a lush. So I keep hearing that I'm bossy, which is better than bitter and hateful (which they used to call me) but I've trained a lot of the girls I work with at the one job so bossy means they're not good listeners (winky face).

The other day one of those girls I trained told me that I'm the only person she likes directing her when she gets flustered. Apparently my directness is better than being pestered with questions about how she's feeling when her register crashes in the middle of a huge transaction. She's feeling angry. She needs the registers fixed.

So I'm bossy. I get things done and I come across as a bit hostile some days but I also get plenty of compliments, from customers. So do I nice up or continue to boss my equals around?

I can't wait until the day they make bossy me the boss.