Why My Mom is a Polygamist

Today, I was telling my mom's boyfriend about the time when after watching about 15 minutes of "Sister Wives," TLC's reality polygamy show, my mother stood over me and with her long pointy finger with its long pointy fingernail telling me that she will never be a polygamist, she doesn't believe it it blah blah blah. This wasn't something I thought she would be into because she's Catholic, and historically Catholics only take one spouse. While driving to the target it somehow came up that my mom married a man who's first marriage had not been annulled by the Catholic Church. I now live in a cloud of confusion.

My mom is a polygamist?

Ok no, but that was my first thought. Good times.

Update: Mother just proclaimed that Polyandry is a-ok.

10 Reasons My Mother is Not a Polygamist

1. She doesn't share her man.
2. She doesn't share her man.
3. She doesn't share her man.
4. She doesn't share her man.
5. She doesn't share her man.
6. She doesn't share her man.
7. She doesn't share her man.
8. She doesn't share her man.
9. She doesn't share her man.
10. She doesn't share her man.


I'm not sure you understand. She stood over me while I was typing a nonsense something and was doing the scary finger pointing thing she does and had her serious face on. Then she asked if I understood. But on the plus side having women kin folk would be nice. And that is where I have to disagree, I don't like too many women, cycles get messy and feelings get hurt. Plus I'm kind of a bitch and as Lauren from work says, "You're mean, but you're like that everyday so it's ok." I don't think women and I would make good kin. So I agree with mom, without the pointing finger thing.

The Insult of a Mean Girl

Today at dinner we were discussing Cialis or something and somehow the insults started slinging. They went as follows:

You came from your dad's penis.
You have a teaspoon of poop on your clothing.
Your parents still have sex.

I'm not sure which is the most disturbing. It was a big step up from the usual "Your Mom" which inevitably turns into "Your mom's penis."

Its frightening to think these are the things my sister uses against her friends, I like to use "ball sack" in place of penis in the first insult but apparently that is "crossing a line." Penis ok, balls not ok. Poop ok, wondering how you ended up covered in poop not ok (this is an actual fear my younger sister has, when she is home from school we have to waste the water to was the undergarments separately).

Please Note: My parents don't have sex, with each other, so I'm not sure how disturbing the last one is for 15/16 year-olds who live with parents who are still married.