Movie Time

I'm not sure that I'm in my right mind, I've pulled back from the crazies lately (partly because I quit my one job, and making decisions feels good) but I can still see them lingering, like a shadow in the periphery. I'm trying my best to focus on happy things, I even went to far as to explain to a woman that a week of rain and flooding is a good thing because it keeps the grass green, she said miserable too many times, and it was bringing me down.

Today I decided that after some super unsuccessful window shopping I'd grab a movie to watch and just enjoy the day. I watched Something Borrowed, that was a mistake. Movies are supposed to have happy endings, or at least American movies are, everyone is supposed to end up with the right person and the bad guys are supposed to end up alone. It didn't happen. Where is my catharsis? I need to know that the best friend who was in love ends up happy. Where is his justice? Yeah, he goes to London, and that would make me happy but he doesn't get his girl not even after being super patient.

I must move on. I must trust that the actor had a scheduling conflict because that best friend was better than the other guy who came across as the "bad guy" even when everyone was doing stupid things.

Maybe the problem with movies is that somehow every movie ends with you, the viewer, connected to a character. That's supposed to happen, you're supposed to relate to someone, but I always relate the the one who doesn't win. I'm Ben Affleck in The Company Men, I'm Annie in Bridesmaids, I'm Ethan in Something Borrowed (even the "I kind of love you, kind of" thing, I did that in London too, and I was also told "darn, too bad"). I don't care to be these characters, and yes, they do find something like peace or happiness, but they are defeated versions of themselves by the end of the movie and I'm hoping for something other than defeat.

Maybe Logan is right , I have to write a book. I have to create something out of the defeat I'm feeling. Or I have to accept it.
You don't need to know who Logan is, he's important in terms of this idea but becoming less and less important in the big picture. It's sad how friends fade.-

Settling Up (?)

Today, I worked really hard to find a job that isn't the job I'm working right now. I need more hours and I need a higher wage, my college degree (that's right gay manager Jason, I have a degree) demands it.

The whole idea of taking a job that isn't in the field that I want makes me sick to my stomach, not as sick as making $8.10 an hour with an acting store manager who does everything but manage makes me but still. I'm forced in some way to continue to settle for less than what I want, no, I take that back, I'm settling for less than I deserve.

Wait, where is cheeky Megan? Who is this righteous bitch who has replaced her? (I don't know, we'll blame the crazies.)

I think that even with my uneven bangs and my current inability to dress myself appropriately for my current job (lack o' funds you see) I worked hard to get to where I got this time last year. But all I've done is back peddle.  I beg people to open credit cards, people who claim to make $200K a year and can only manage a $750 credit limit because they have a barely passable credit score. I'm ruining my own future, how is the economy going to recover if I don't stop doing my job?

So we'll see where I settle. Maybe it'll hold the bad off long enough or maybe (and this is my hope) it'll be just enough to get me into the classes I need, (fingers crossed) I'll come out in a year with software knowledge and a publishing certificate.

Here's to Hoping!

Meds

While in an unrelated discussion one of my friends mentioned that while she was taking the meds that I am currently taking she went nuts. It got me thinking, could my meds (which I don't need to live, but prefer not having to live with not having them) be part, probably not all, of my crazies?

It's an idea that hadn't crossed my mind, it makes sense, but after nearly ten years taking them (that number is frightening) why now? Or really why not just October and February which are the months I usually catch the crazies.

To all the folks who keep talking about the horrors of this new medical reform just remember I cannot go to a doctor to change my meds because I don't have insurance or the $200 give or take that it would cost to do so uninsured, but if my medication is part of my problem I run the risk of glassing someone, wrecking my car into pedestrians and walking out on my job. If I do any of these three things I run the risk of harming myself in the process (the deer are trying very hard to harm me) I'll actually cost you more as a tax payer because I'm not only uninsured, I'm underemployed, and would not be expected to foot my bill because well I'd starve to death if I had to pay for more than a doctors visit for a simple illness.

Ok, well that got a little heavy. It's sort of a response to the shit I get from the people I work with, I am scum to them for not having health insurance. They are scum to me, living on maxed out credit cards, strumpeting around and spending their miserable lives bitching about everything there is to bitch about (you ladies know who you are).

I am not going to run anyone over, not intentionally anyhow you pedestrians need to wear lighter colors when crossing three lanes of traffic before dawn. I won't harm myself either, I think talking about the crazies worries people. Come January I'm going to the doctor, I'm going to the dentist and I'm buy contacts, the one pair I have has lasted too long as is. I'm also going to refill all my prescriptions. And when January rolls around after my appointments and all, I'm going to change shit. I don't know how but I will.

Light Bulb

Today has been a day of revelation. I know very well that I have fallen into a dark space but such is life and experience tells me that spending money I don't have and a short period of bulimia-esque binges and a few days of starvation I'll be back to my old self.

My light bulb moments came when I was crying while driving (I don't suggest this). I've come to realize that in some cases it is me and in some cases it isn't. I am a bit of a monster, I cracked my neck at a middle-aged woman that butted in front of me in line at the grocery store and she got the hint. I also realized that until I become more chipper (ain't gonna happen) and dress in candy colors (I'll stay away from black, but candy, nope) shrink about two inches, become less assertive in nearly every way, and lose the blond I can't be what the I want to be. I am not a monster for loving who I am even when I am.

The light bulb kinda makes me want to vomit.

The neck cracking thing, because I was in a confrontational mood, was awesome.

You're all like, "Wow, Bitch is Crazy!" and I'll agree, in a sort of fleeting way I have lost my grip. Give me a few weeks and if I haven't become an raging alcoholic I'll be an awesome rut free version of me.

I'm applying to a grad program for next summer. I'm sending out unsolicited resumes again. I'm trying to figure out how to find a new physical location, this place where I live is hilarious but it's not helping me. I'll be ok, my life will be a bit tilted but maybe that's what I need.

I could use a more interesting social life, if you'd like to help let me know, I'm around.

I could use a bigger balance in my bank account, if you're gonna knock over a bank, I'm in.

You need someone to slash some tires or key a car- call me within the week, after that, I don't know if I can help.

Here's to living this thing called life!