Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

That's a lie, the mice are stirring and it's driving me insane in the membrane. There is a flock of mice in the ceiling of the family room, they usually just run back and forth but today, being December 24th, they are shooting for ironic. If there was music I would find their behavior both amusing an appropriate but the dancing in my head should be sugarplums and the clatter on the roof should be eight tiny reindeer.

There are threats of calling the exterminator but I'm not entirely sure I'm ok with that. The mice seem to be keeping out of the comestibles (with the exception of that bold mouse that chased the cat into my sister's room, poor mouse died of suffocation in a water bottle because my sister was too afraid to put it outside). I don't see the sense in killing them, they were here first (species wise) on this place (and I mean the plot of land where my house sits, I don't know about the evolutionary thing) and we have taken over pushing them out. It just seems wrong.

While we live and let live I hope you all have a Merry Christmas.

I'm hoping the next two days are  better than I anticipated, it just might be this year.

Christmas Letter

Each year as the Christmas cards flood the mailbox you are inundated with pictures of people you don't really remember and letter explaining the lives of those very same folk. In my family there is one letter that we love to open because, though it is not intended to be, it is hilarious. Its a good ole run of the mill holier-than-thou letter of awesomeness. The kind where people announce their toddlers speak in paragraphs (there's nothing wrong with pride, but come on, who speaks in paragraphs?) and then describe their unborn offspring as impending. I don't know about you but impending has always connoted doom (ie impending doom) or something wholly unpleasant, next time you guys qualify it with impending joy or something, not just impending.

Last year one of my uncles sent a letter just to say "Yo, we're here too and we hate these letters so here is yet another one to read." It was actually a pretty good letter and it inspired my mother.

Last week my mother asked me to write a form letter. I was very confused as to why I was writing a form letter, though I have the capabilities it's not really something I enjoy doing, but then she clarified. My mother wanted a Christmas letter to send to all of her family. It was a daunting task, I needed the right balance of humor and superiority, I needed a good shock factor and I needed everyone to think that maybe, perhaps, my mother didn't write the letter.

So, here it is:

Seasons Greetings Folks!

We hope all is well this Christmas and as the year ends you will be able to look back on 2010 with fond memories. We have been incredibly busy this year, so busy in fact we would like to share the high points with you.

April has become a world traveler. Last spring she went on a cruise that circled the Caribbean with one propeller, though it was still chillier than she would have hoped, she had a blast and returned home, to the second decent snow storm of this year, with a tan. Before her tan faded she was snowed in for a week, trapped by about five feet of snow. This fall she took a quick jaunt to the Emerald Isle where she forgot to eat the cheese she dreamed about but drank in the sights just long enough to know that she wants to go back and see more than just Dublin.

Hope had a successful end to her sophomore year and got her first job. All summer she lounged by the pool tanning with her sun glasses on, waiting but nobody’s life needed saving. After school started and the homecoming buzz began she found herself loathing the popular girls as they announced the junior homecoming court, she apparently wondered aloud “I wonder who the fourth bitch is?” only for her named to be called. Even Hope agrees that this was the best bitch for the job. Unfortunately, her tan didn’t get to participate in the homecoming festivities with her.

Hannah turned 21 this year, was maced at a school dance and finally declared her major. If you ever need a good PO look her up, after hearing that could be one of her career options she jumped on the sociology bandwagon. When Hannah isn’t studying how to best beat the criminal mind she is wrecking cars and playing in the mounds of snow that have been falling in Wise since October.

Mark was laid off early in the year and moved to Roanoke to work, where late in summer he was laid off and he moved back to Round Hill. Aiden is three now and keeping his dad very busy with his love of dinosaurs, library books, library books about dinosaurs and his clever quips.

After Megan graduated last December she found an internship for a group of history magazines, fell in love with getting published and has been working for Ann Taylor Factory Store ever since. Who needs a byline when they have a double certification in pants fit?

Merry Christmas!

Love,
The aforementioned sign.

THE Journey

I am one of the Three Wisemans (ahahahahaha) and Christmas is coming. My sisters and I are gearing up for our annual journey. This year's journey was planned over the Thanksgiving holiday, I think my sisters are going along with my suggestions to appease me but in a way I appreciate it.

As the usual we'll leave on the 25th. We'll follow the star until we get there hand over our gifts and then go on our merry ways, at which point we'll probably divide up for sanity reasons but none of us will return home right away. You know, things to do, people to see.

The biggest issue I'm having is gift shopping. Gold is expensive, today is a time when I'd rather have stock in gold than have to buy a lump of it for a child. My sisters will have to find their own gifts because I'm currently hunting for transportation. I was thinking camels but camels are hard to come by in these parts and it's fucking cold, I have a hunch that camels aren't super into cold weather. I could filtch a donkey from down the way but that would kind of work against the pricipals of THE journey, wouldn't it?

If you have any suggestions as to where I can find cheap gold let me know? How about some camels?

I think we may need a guide and a chaparoen as well. Volunteers?

'Tis the Season

I'm a Scrooge if I've ever met one. But, and its a strange but, I love giving gifts. I love finding things for people. I'm not even a shopper, but I love Christmas shopping.

I went Christmas shopping yesterday, it was, all in all a great trip. Picked up a few things, got some great deals, gagged over Christmas music and Santa at the mall.

For Pete's Sake, Thanksgiving is a week from today, the trees have been up since before Halloween. It is getting out of hand. The commercialism is getting out of hand. The pressure to make the numbers for cooperate when they refuse to pay you enough to put up with the stress and bullshit is getting out of hand. The sales are getting out of hand. The consumers are out of hand.

It makes it easy for me to be a Scrooge. The "broken home" thing is at this point just a bit of an annoying its the people absorbed in themselves and trying to get the most for themselves so everyone can love them the best because they spent the most. I'm not alright with that, I'm not alright with greed.

But Last Week Was Awesome?

I must say that I was flying high there for a while. Nothing ground breaking, I had a good birthday, I joined a new gym where the general manager insists there will be no need for gym fights (he doesn't know me well), and had a more or less awesomely unplanned visit with the old roomies from London, hell even the bad party experience was fun.

But this week, this week makes me want to strangle a caterpillar and then buy a hand gun to wear in my belt (if you didn't know, I'm super against guns, sorry Kat). Saturday started well, then I rushed the 120 miles to work so I could close the store from hell because outlet shoppers are also sloppy hags. I got home at 11 pm and had only eaten a sandwich all day so I had some peanuts and a shower and went to bed. Waking up at 5:45 the next morning my tummy was pissed about the peanuts and my hair was nearly as perturbed about the evening shower. But I went to work and worked form 7 am to 1pm then I drove home and showered again, had some chili ate way too much and pretended to nap. At 6pm I left for work again because we had a meeting (not all bad but it takes me a not particularly pleasant 45 minutes to drive to that horrid place.) I didn't get home until 11 again. After a very pleasant 5 or 6 mile walk this morning I started the laundry only to get a text message reminding me that I have to be at work at 5 this evening: funny story, this is the first I had heard of this. My schedule says that I am to work from 5:30pm to 2am not 5pm to 2am. Guess what- the laundry is not done! I have to leave in 45 minutes and I haven't even eaten lunch yet. Hip hip fucking hooray!

Now to go along with the whole work thing the holiday season is approaching. And in my old age I've grown tired of the Broken-Home-Christmas, guess what, I work retail which means Dad that I will work Christmas Eve so no I will not be making it to your house this year. Also to my boss: my mother works Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so yeah you will be giving me the 26th off because I too like the family holidays.

It has come to my attention that I am not the only person who feels this way about the holidays, I will be inviting these people to Thanksgiving. Wear jeans with elastic waist bands please I plan on making way too much stuffing again. Also after last year I shall refrain from carving the turkey until someone teaches me how. Mind you I have to be at work at 8:45 that evening so it will be fairly booze free, thank you for your cooperation and, yes, I know my job would be more fun drunk but I need it until something real comes along.

But wait we still have Halloween! A cushy buffer between now and Thanksgiving to find a party and drink a bit too much. Cheers to All Hallows Eve!