Christmas Letter

Each year as the Christmas cards flood the mailbox you are inundated with pictures of people you don't really remember and letter explaining the lives of those very same folk. In my family there is one letter that we love to open because, though it is not intended to be, it is hilarious. Its a good ole run of the mill holier-than-thou letter of awesomeness. The kind where people announce their toddlers speak in paragraphs (there's nothing wrong with pride, but come on, who speaks in paragraphs?) and then describe their unborn offspring as impending. I don't know about you but impending has always connoted doom (ie impending doom) or something wholly unpleasant, next time you guys qualify it with impending joy or something, not just impending.

Last year one of my uncles sent a letter just to say "Yo, we're here too and we hate these letters so here is yet another one to read." It was actually a pretty good letter and it inspired my mother.

Last week my mother asked me to write a form letter. I was very confused as to why I was writing a form letter, though I have the capabilities it's not really something I enjoy doing, but then she clarified. My mother wanted a Christmas letter to send to all of her family. It was a daunting task, I needed the right balance of humor and superiority, I needed a good shock factor and I needed everyone to think that maybe, perhaps, my mother didn't write the letter.

So, here it is:

Seasons Greetings Folks!

We hope all is well this Christmas and as the year ends you will be able to look back on 2010 with fond memories. We have been incredibly busy this year, so busy in fact we would like to share the high points with you.

April has become a world traveler. Last spring she went on a cruise that circled the Caribbean with one propeller, though it was still chillier than she would have hoped, she had a blast and returned home, to the second decent snow storm of this year, with a tan. Before her tan faded she was snowed in for a week, trapped by about five feet of snow. This fall she took a quick jaunt to the Emerald Isle where she forgot to eat the cheese she dreamed about but drank in the sights just long enough to know that she wants to go back and see more than just Dublin.

Hope had a successful end to her sophomore year and got her first job. All summer she lounged by the pool tanning with her sun glasses on, waiting but nobody’s life needed saving. After school started and the homecoming buzz began she found herself loathing the popular girls as they announced the junior homecoming court, she apparently wondered aloud “I wonder who the fourth bitch is?” only for her named to be called. Even Hope agrees that this was the best bitch for the job. Unfortunately, her tan didn’t get to participate in the homecoming festivities with her.

Hannah turned 21 this year, was maced at a school dance and finally declared her major. If you ever need a good PO look her up, after hearing that could be one of her career options she jumped on the sociology bandwagon. When Hannah isn’t studying how to best beat the criminal mind she is wrecking cars and playing in the mounds of snow that have been falling in Wise since October.

Mark was laid off early in the year and moved to Roanoke to work, where late in summer he was laid off and he moved back to Round Hill. Aiden is three now and keeping his dad very busy with his love of dinosaurs, library books, library books about dinosaurs and his clever quips.

After Megan graduated last December she found an internship for a group of history magazines, fell in love with getting published and has been working for Ann Taylor Factory Store ever since. Who needs a byline when they have a double certification in pants fit?

Merry Christmas!

Love,
The aforementioned sign.