Blue as Blue Can Be Because of Me

This always seems to happen to me, which seeing as I am the only constant in the situation makes me think it's my fault. Now I just need to know what I am doing wrong.

First thing: every time I wear contacts I spend the day crying. It's not really a cause and effect thing I don't think, it's more of a correlation thing. I wear contacts when I want to feel better about myself, I want to feel a little bit pretty or something, which usually means that a bad day is coming but people keep suggesting that on bad days I do something special for myself as a kind of pick-me-up. Its a great suggestions and I think it works for people who are a little down, but I'm never a little down, I'm up or I'm shattered into little pieces on the floor. Do I stop wearing the contacts or now? (Right now, I've stopped crying to type this but I can't see any of it, I'm running on blind faith because my contacts are so twisted that for me to see I have to have my nose four inches from the screen.)

I cried over my clothes today, nothing felt pretty. My white is all grey and I can't find most of the things I want to wear. My jeans that I did find are too long, the only pair of too long jeans I own and they're too big in the hips. I'm not even picky, a pair of baggy jeans is a good thing but jeans that fit in the legs and not in the whole top area are a bit of a heinous thing. Don't worry though, a size smaller is something truly revolting, too tight in the legs (I have very muscly legs, they're not fat which is why this is so stressful) which pulls the butt which tightens the hips but don't worry the waist gaps a good inch in the back.

I cried over my friends today too. Most of them are excused, with the holiday season approaching people's older (and sometimes not so older) relatives start to hit rough patches. Be with your families, my heart goes out to you. The rest of my friends (excluding those who have not neglected me and have responded to queries) just call me or text me. I'll probably return the birthday present I bought you. I won't because I'm weak and though I wonder why we're friends half the time (you know who you are). And in that respect I need to grow up. I have issues with people, especially authority figures and men, I have issues with loyalty and trust. This is nothing new, hell I think I've been pretty open about my crazy, so please please for my crazies' sake stop ignoring me and for everyone's sake stop lying. Lying is a sin and for it you will burn in hell. (I'm not entirely sure I subscribe to this but honesty does get you much farther in life.)

I think I have a cavity. My tooth hurts a bit, though it could be from grinding them and I can't wear my night guard because it needs adjusted. I'd get all of these things fixed or at least checked out but going to the dentist would cost me the whole of my pay check. I can't pay my rent let alone pay for my teeth so instead I cry about not having insurance, which makes me cry about not having a real job which makes me cry about the debt I have because I have a degree which in turn makes me queasy about the thought of going back to school because a BA is just not good enough if I want to make more than minimum (ish) wage.

I'm still not happy with my hair.

My hands have gotten skinnier which I'm sure makes the rest of me look fatter. Though the good news is I know how to lose weight now, the bad news is I have to stop taking one of my medications which will screw with a lot of internal things. The new gym I joined is supposed to be opening next week, it won't.  I'm going to cry about that because its getting too cold and dark to keep walking too many miles outside. My hips hurt and I stretch them like people tell me to do, they still hurt. I am broken out like a nervous 15-year-old and I'm sure my hair touching my face all the time isn't helping.

I'm starving. I hate leftovers and there isn't anything I can just whip up. I can't eat another egg or grilled (a misnomer, I do believe) cheese this week.

All I wanted when I woke up today was someone to join me in being ridiculously spontaneous. I just wanted to go to that concert and as fate would have it, it didn't sell out, which would have made it easier for me and my spontaneous friend but I now realize that to be whimsical you have to be willing to go it alone, I'm willing to go to movies alone, I'm willing to eat in restaurants alone, I'm willing to travel to new places alone but I have yet to find the courage to go to a concert alone.There is nothing worse than being truly alone in a crowd.

So tell me, what do I need to do to make all my dreams come true? How do I make my life meet my expectations?

I'm sure I'll still be crying next month but I'm not sure how much longer I can stay stagnant like this. Spending one full day a week with contacts super-suctioned to my eyeballs is the least fun I've ever had and I need it to stop,